Sunday, February 18, 2018

February Musings

February has been a mix of weather here, freezing cold one day and mild and sunny the next.   I am loving the sunshine, it makes temps in the 30s and low 40s feel like paradise.  But oh, how my  heart sinks when the next morning greets me again with snow and ice!

We celebrated Mardi Gras, as we always do, with a King Cake delivered directly from New Orleans.   I've ordered one every year since my son and his wife moved back to Michigan because my grandson was born in New Orleans.    If you buy a King Cake where they are made, they are already decorated.   But when they mail them north, the bakery sends along the white frosting and colored sugars because the decorated cakes do not travel well.   The kids love decorating the cake with the traditional Mardi Gras colors of purple, green and gold and seeing who will find the "baby" -- this year my granddaughter got it in the first slice!  Thank goodness they use a lot less sugar now that they are old enough to be aware of healthy choices -- when they were small, it was a challenge to keep them from sending us all into sugar shock!
Valentine's  Day is not my holiday, and it's a good thing because it never seems to work out the way I want it to!   My sweetie sent flowers, which was so sweet, but circumstances messed up our plan to have dinner together and that was disappointing.  Oh well, shake it off.  

Honestly, the best valentine's gift came from the husband of a friend who knows that I like to invite as much nature into my messy yard as possible.   He made me a bird feeder and included a supply of dried grubs.   I can't wait to see who turns up to eat them!   But . . . gag.

My 13-year-old grandson won local awards for his science project and we are looking forward to his move up to regionals.   His project, titled "Music sets the mood, " considered " the effect of key signature on the perception of music."  He won best in category for behavioral science and first place overall for life sciences.  He doesn't place a lot of expectations on himself but he enjoys the competition, the talks with the judges and the chance to talk to other kids with similar interests.   He also really likes dressing up in a suit and tie, which he does as often as the occasion even marginally permits.  But he had to admit, it was fun to win!   And you can barely imagine how proud I am of him.
I've done only a little sewing.   I made a little rag baby quilt for no particular reason other than that I had the flannel in my scrap pile.
I found a few yards of other fabric that I had planned to use for totes and have decided to use that for a quilt top as well, but I haven't started cutting yet.  I finally got my Victorian sampler framed,
and I bought a sign from Etsy that had a motto that I especially like.   I can be impulsive that way.
I hope things are warming up wherever you are and I'm hoping to see some real signs of spring soon here in Mid-Michigan!!

Sunday, February 4, 2018

Super Bowl Sunday and the Superb Owl

What a week!   Cold as a brass patootie, with lots of snow and temps hovering in the low teens almost all week.  School has been cancelled for tomorrow, not for the first time.   But, despite the cold and snow, there were a few interesting events.  
Last week, when it was a little warmer, we went to Chicago by train for a couple of days.    We didn't plan anything, it was a lazy, laid back trip, mostly to see  how traveling would work now that my sweetie has lost so much of his vision.   There were a few troubles, more than one wall was walked into, but we had a good time despite it and he came home willing to try some occupational therapy, which I hope will give him more confidence.   And of course it was good to get away and to eat a bunch of food that I need to stop eating again soon before I'm as big as a house.   I have truly enjoyed this slippery slope down sugar loaf mountain!

Bt now it is cold again.  Cold temps make me want to cook, so that part is always fun.   I started the week out by making granola after my sweetie's son wanted us to pick some up from the store -- the fairly plain 12 ounce bag of cereal cost $6 so I decided to try my hand at it and I was happy with the results.   My first try was a bit too sweet for us so I will cut back on the sugars next time, but I think I'm just a couple attempts away from a winner that will satisfy all of us.
And I finished another quilt top, more or less.   It still needs a border or two.  It's another finish using my AccuQuilt and some larger scraps from my stash.   That makes three stash-scrap quilt tops so far this year, in just over a month!   Not having to cut the pieces by hand is making SUCH a difference for me.
Superbowl Sunday was, as always, on one of our Dominoes days, so we had a double fun Sunday.   I don't know (or care, really) anything about football but I'm always happy for our grand finale of super bowl sundaes.  And my group of guys ate it up like crazy -- so crazy, in fact, that the one kid we have the games for had to go home early with a tummy ache.  We did watch the game -- my grandson and I, neither of us sports folk, texted each other back and forth with silliness, and I am always happy to see the commercials.  Unfortunately, we had some internet troubles, no doubt weather related, that cut into our screen time, with lots of frozen moments.   I guess it's lucky that we aren't super fans, it would have been very frustrating!

But even bigger and more amazing than the Superbowl (menu) was my Superb Owl -- earlier this week, when I finally, belatedly went to take down the Christmas wreath next to my front door, I discovered that a small eastern screech owl was using it as a perch.   The owl stayed all day and into the night after I saw it, long enough for one of my grandchildren to get out of school and see it, too,  and of course I have no idea how long it had been there up til then.   I would have loved to have it nest there and am sorry it left, but I'm so very happy that my grandson and I saw it, and it's going to be awhile before I am ready to take down that wreath!  There are owls in our parts, of course, and we hear them often enough,  but I have never caught a glimpse of one and it was a 'bucket list' item for me.  What's on your bucket list?

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

2018 - Already Moving Too Fast!

I can't believe that the first month of 2018 is already half over.   Honestly, time just seems to move faster all the time.   It has been lovely here in mid Michigan, but cold.
Thanks to those of you who reached out to ask about my Sweetie.   He is doing so well, recovering still from his strokes, but a casual observer who didn't know him would never know there had ever been anything wrong.   We are told that one of his strokes was of a type that used to be considered an automatic game changer, and the stroke neurologist said they have only recently realized that some people, for some unknown reason, recover from them without great impairment.   My lucky Honey is one of those whose brains are able to heal, and we are both grateful for that.   His vision is still badly limited, he still tires more than he'd like, and there is still some very minimal change of balance, but he looks dashing with his new cane, and life -- although very different than we planned or expected -- is better than we had any reason to dare expect a couple of months ago.

I have gotten some sewing done since things have settled down with him.  For Christmas, my Sweetie got me an accuquilt cutter, something I would never have thought to want.  He had limited shopping and thinking options, so I was impressed, and his intention was to help me in two ways -- first, I have troubles with my hands and wrists, so rotary cutting (especially accurate rotary cutting) is a challenge to me, and second, I have a stash of fabric that is taking over my  house, so he thought this might be a good way to help me get through some of that.   It has been a pretty effective gift on both counts, and I've already completed two 'flimsy' quilt tops that I will send out to be quilted, and I've started a third.   The only trouble is that I am sorely tempted to buy fabric for my next top rather than continue to use my stash -- free fabric, anyone?   I'll be happy to send it on to anyone who wants to quilt or make small projects with it!

I also finished a lovely Victorian Motto Sampler that I ordered while he was actually still on the surgical table, and just need to find a frame before it will be truly done.
Also for Christmas, my kids got us an Instant Pot, another thing I never would have thought to want, despite its cult following.   But I've been having fun with it, and have already made some pretty amazing short ribs and a butter chicken that is every bit as good as that from my local Indian restaurant!   Our annual season of  Dominoes Sundays have begun so I'll have lots of chances to try new recipes, and I'm looking forward to making Instant Pot wings for Super-bowl Sunday, whenever that is.   Our Dominoes buddy is a football fan, but I am clueless.   All I care about is the menu!

We've had snow pretty steadily this winter.  Despite that, I was happy to finally get out this week for my first haircut and first pedicure since before the November surgery.   My guy is so sweet, he cleaned off my car and warmed it up before I left, but he couldn't save my toes from the snow!   The older I get, the harder the winters seem, but I am grateful for hot soup and someone to cuddle with.  Wherever you find yourself, I hope you are warm!

Sunday, December 31, 2017

Coughing In The New Year

It was 18 below zero the other night.   Our high temperatures are breaking the records for our low temperature.   This has been a brutal couple of weeks all over the country.   The past six weeks of burning the candle at both ends has caught up with me and I've come down with some kind of flu-like crud.   Or maybe eating sugar over the holidays is what made me vulnerable to this nasty virus.   Whatever the cause, all I have done for the past four days is cough and sleep.     Being too sick even to sew has been frustrating.

I have been spending most of my time at my fella's house but when I realized I was getting sick I came back to my own house to try to avoid passing this onto my sweetie.    This morning, though, he started to show signs of a cold.   Fingers crossed that he doesn't get the cough part of whatever this is, because those headaches return to him too easily and too often.   We will see the stroke neurologist later this week and have another MRI done and I am hoping that it will show a lot of healing.   I wonder how long it will be before we both relax a little -- I know it has not happened yet.

Although 2017 was a largely "meh" year for me, it was not a bad one for me personally until my guy's strokes.   And now I am both frustrated at that negative event of the year, which the surgeon said was caused by an error in blood thinners, but also truly grateful that things were not far worse.    I am glad to see this year go and am hoping that 2018 will bring us back into the ordinary.   At our ages, I know that is a lot to ask, but it is my new year's hope.  

I wish you the best of all things as this year ends, and hope 2018 will be gentle to all of us.  

Friday, December 15, 2017

Moving Forward

I went into November with a long list of projects to have completed by Christmas, and I started off pretty well.  I made a few pair of leggings and a scarf or two.   Life intervened and not much has gotten done since that first flurry of activity, and I'm okay with just letting a lot of it go.   Truth is, it has always been a lot more important to me to make gifts than it has been to the people receiving them, most of them have never used or even commented about the stuff afterward.  

Meanwhile -- and yes, this will sound random, but bear with me -- I recently heard an author talk about her book on infidelity.   I was only half listening because that is not an issue in my life right now, thank goodness.   But she made the comment that, when something like that happens, a couple needs to renegotiate their relationship entirely if they are going to be successful.   Even little things that they might have considered long settled -- who pays the bills, who buys the groceries -- are up for reconsideration when there has been a betrayal.   The author then said that the same reasoning applies to any betrayal, and later pointed out that her parents, Holocaust survivors, had been betrayed "by humanity" and that they, too, had needed to renegotiate their lives and their place in the world going forward.   It struck a chord with me.   I realized that my honey and I are in the process of renegotiating our places in the now less familiar world and our roles as part of a couple as a result of the "betrayal" of his stroke.    It has opened up a whole conversation for us that I think will make us feel more in control of things going forward.

And in that vein, as I renegotiate who I am and what I would like in life, I am trying to learn to be more selfish this Christmas.   I had my first quilt quilted and bound and instead of giving it away as I had planned, I am going to keep it, trying to create the cozy comfort that my soul craves these days.


Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Brutally Cold And Tired With A Chance Of Whining: an Indulgence

Seven degrees tonight and windy, and we're under a winter storm watch for an expected 3 to 5 inches of snow.   Need I say more?

Life has changed for both of us since my sweetie's stroke.   We were in the hospital for about a week that felt like decades, where he went from death's door to feeling well enough to just want to be home.   Once home, of course, I could see that there was, and is, still a lot of healing to do.   His strokes were in the cerebellum and occipital areas of the brain, affecting vision and balance.   The balance deficit seems, so far, to be quite mild, although he appreciates the comfort of a cane now.   The vision is more complicated, and he has lost 50-60%, the entire right field of view, in both eyes.  We understood when we brought him home that some things would be out of the question for now, things like driving and reading, and we felt fortunate.  

But I don't think we realized how taxing this has been on his body, and we are finding that he sleeps for hours and hours, remaining alert for only a few, sometimes only a couple, hours at a time.    He needs dark and quiet.   This is not a time for serious discussions, even though this is a time when serious things need to be decided.  If he does more than a little talking or visiting, the headaches - that were debilitating at the start - begin to return.    His goal now is to not take pain medication during the day, and the only way to accomplish that so far is to sleep for much of it.  His mood remains good, his nature remains sweet, and I am well aware that we dodged a lot of bullets in this event.  And although I don't always sound that way, I am grateful.

So it is truly not a time for me to indulge in whining, but for equally true, I am feeling whiney.   We have always had fun together, we enjoy many of the same things, and we just enjoy being together.  We spent virtually all of our free time together and have for several years.  When he was healthy, he didn't want to consider living together.   That's not entirely true, he sometimes mused that at a different point in our lives it would have been a good option.   We fantasized about traveling the country in a van, or a train, or an RV.   But at our ages, with our individual houses full of the evidence of those years, and with him having an unemployed, struggling adult child at home, he considered it unthinkable.   And marriage, he was very clear, was out of the question.   I was okay with that.   It meant giving up a few dreams of my own, but I was pretty much happy enough that it wasn't a big deal.  

Of slightly more concern to me was his attitude about our place in each other's family.  We both, of course, adore our own.   And I guess that for me loving and including a person's family is a part of loving that person.   He's included me for five years in every family celebration he can, and I've embraced his family.    But he has been invited to all the same of my family events and has attended few . .  what?   maybe three?    Maybe a couple more, but the emphasis is on few.   He expresses frequent frustration at not having grandchildren, but it was always clear that he had little time for my adored Grands.    And so I have always commuted, both metaphorically and physically, between his life and mine, a real-world 50 mile round trip.  I figured it was a fair trade off.   I enjoy being with him, we were not trying to merge our lives, and I made myself available for my own peeps whenever my family wanted to get together.

But now I am at his house every day and every night.  The holidays complicate things, of course, because with plans and orders made long ago, I have packages delivered at my home 45 minutes away almost daily.   And my family will be at my house the day after Christmas, where I will take my turn at hosting our dinner and celebration for siblings and nephew and all our littles.  So there is cleaning and menu planning and decorating to do.

Meanwhile, of course, I am cleaning his house, scrambling to help his kids when they run out of gas, cooking the meals, arranging doctor visits and keeping track of medications, shoveling.    None of it rocket science, none of it a problem, except that of course there is never time enough to do it all and there is no end in sight.  

Not surprisingly, I am tired and sad, and I can't share my feelings with my bestie because he needs calm and quiet right now.   I am also a little confused, I guess.   He suddenly wants the kind of relationship that he had no interest in before, and I can't help but wonder if that is something he truly wants or just his vulnerability talking.   And, as I gave these ideas up long ago, I have no idea what I want, or whether I would want it under these circumstances.

Right before the stroke, he looked at me from his hospital bed and said 'you are so beautiful.'   He is not a flowery guy and it was a surprise to hear it.  Sweet.   But later he remarked that he was so happy that he told me that when he did, and that he still remembered how I 'just glowed,' which made me question the truth of it and wonder if the occipital stroke was beginning even then.  

When he got home, on the first night, he gathered his children and announced that we were going to move in together.  I had to finally ask him whether he thought we had discussed it, since his assumption was a huge surprise to me.    It's equally clear that he never gave anyone in his life any hint that he felt that way about me; his twin told  me just a couple of months ago that she knew we were "just dating."   And when his extended family wants to know how he is or what he needs, they ask his daughter, and she gives her best answers, just as one might expect with a single father.   It's not unreasonable for them to assume that since we were "just dating," his daughter is the expert.  (As a side note, the extended family has not asked about me, and frankly, that just hurts.)   His kids have been appreciative of my help, but it's clear that they also expect it.      I've been his helper and sidekick for a very long time.   So I don't trust the truth of his new feelings, and I'm pretty sure I can't trust mine either.  

Make no mistake, despite the cautions from my siblings, this is a committed relationship for me and I have no inclination to change that.  But silly as it seems,  I also don't want my love story to read "he wasn't all that  interested and then he had a stroke and she looked really good to him."     I know that this is not a time for any big changes or discussions.  I am too tired to figure things out and too tired not to vent.  So I reckon I'll just keep driving back and forth and try not to listen to the tired talking in my head.

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Happy Thanksgiving

It's funny, I always felt sorry for people who have to work on Thanksgiving.   But this year, sitting in an ICU room with my sweetie, I have a slightly different perspective.    I have watched today's staff loading the elevators with roasters and turkeys and pumpkin pie, laughing with their friends.   From where I am sitting today, they are looking pretty good.   For us, things have not gotten worse, and the hospital Starbucks stayed open for a couple of hours this morning.    Maybe it's good to be reminded that there is always something to be thankful for.